I am having some real trouble with this story I’m working on. I’ve hit a bit of a wall. I have pretty much the entire story mapped out in my head and in about twenty nine slightly disconnected scenes that culminate in approximately 43,000 words. Novel length. But something is still not right. I don’t know how to proceed.
A thought I had today, while struggling with the whole concept of life in the 1950s, my romanticized version versus reality, of how to tie it into a modern setting (aka. something I understand). But I don’t know that I really want to go there. The idea was to have the granddaughter of the de facto protagonist be assigned her grandmother’s scholarly work in one of her own college classes and having that be a jumping off point to explore the rest of the story that I’ve already written.* But I don’t know how I feel about that structure. I didn’t set out for this to be a story about a young woman understanding her grandmother better, or more wholly; even though I’m all about women understanding the women before them in order to better understand their own place in the world.
I suppose my question is: would it be a cop-out? Is it the easy way to tie in all the pieces I’ve written so far? Or should I keep searching for something more organic and stay in the fifties?
*The idea makes me excited because then I’d get to create new characters and I love creating new characters.
It’s difficult to tell in this snap, but it’s really quite nice out for March in Massachusetts. Not exceptionally nice like it was on Wednesday, but nice enough. A bit of a cool breeze, temperatures in the high fifties at 9:30 in the morning, clouds, and a bit of sun. It’s the sort of weather that makes me feel like all hope is not lost. Winter will end, the Earth is not dead, and I don’t have to be a crazy shut-in who only talks to her cats. A change is blowing in with the wind and I feel good.
But, for as good as I feel when Spring is knocking on the door, there are still things that bother me: Americans, for example, work too much. I think we’re pretty much insane for working such long hours. I say this despite being a bit of a workaholic: I’ve been known to only take breaks during the work day because someone placed a sandwich in front of me and said ‘Bex, you need to eat something.’ (Not too often, but it’s happened more than once.) Regardless, people work too much.
A few years ago I had a temp job that got me up before the sun, and didn’t let me out until after it had set. It was winter, so this wasn’t all that difficult, but, still, it was the most depressing thing I’ve ever experienced. Except when I looked around the office at the people who actually worked there: there were employees who where already in the office when I arrived. As the sun was rising over the Atlantic, they were already on calls with clients and customers. These same people were still on calls when I left an hour after the sun had set way beyond the Berkshires. Another temp and I rode the elevator together at the end of one day and we asked each other “How the fuck do they do this?” This life was for neither she nor I.
Now, I’m not trying to be insulting or make anyone feel badly about their job. If I have, I apologize. A person is allowed to love their job, or choose to be at work before the sun’s up and stay until after it’s down. This is not a criticism of individuals, but of the system. America seems to value working long hours and not taking breaks; and we are conditioned to expect to be punished for taking breaks while trapped indoors during prime tanning hours. It starts in school when we can see the beautiful weather but are forced to stay inside. Therefore, as adults we accept being trapped in cubicles, chained to desks, stuck in windowless rooms with bad lighting and poorly regulated air conditioning. That’s why I was pleasantly surprised yesterday.
I’ve picked up some hours tagging and folding shirts in a warehouse. It’s a pain, literally, to stand at a table and fold tee shirts all day, but it’s not the least exciting work I’ve ever done (that would be that temp job in the sales office). Nor is it the most difficult. It is physically taxing, but so was environmental ed. and summer camp. It might be a bit more physically taxing because I’m older now and I’ve already put my body through years of environmental ed. and summer camp, but it’s nothing I’m not familiar with. The other people who work there are pleasant, and there’s a window so we can see if it’s sunny or rainy. In the afternoons, the older ladies who work there are replaced by a group of teenagers coming off their school day.
Yesterday, two of the boys were talking at the table behind me. One asked the other why he wasn’t in school or at work the day before, the extremely nice day for March in Massachusetts. The boy said simply that he had stayed home. He told school he was “sick”, but in reality it was just that it was nice out and he spent his day outdoors. The other teens were amazed and surprised. One girl couldn’t believe his audacity. I, however, couldn’t help being extremely proud. This kid, all of sixteen or seventeen, understood that Wednesday was a Beautiful Day, and that Beautiful Days are meant to be enjoyed. He’d even decided that this Beautiful Day was meant to be enjoyed out of doors. The other teens went on and on about how crazy he was, but I couldn’t help but be impressed this kid chose his mental health over his attendance record, his grades, and a paycheck. This kid has his priorities in order.
Take care of your mental health people, it’s more important than we Americans realize.
It bothers me quite a bit when, in order to make a female character interesting, writers make her some sort of damaged goods. She’s been raped, beaten, her father never loved her, her mother never loved her, she’s an orphan raised by wolves/hateful relatives/on the streets, she had an affair with a prominent member of society and his bastard baby was stillborn, she murdered her abuser and buried his body in the garden, etc. And from the pain of this backstory she manages to pull herself up by her bootstraps and carry on and this makes her beautiful/desirable/interesting. It makes me a little ill that writers resort to this sort of storyline.
Are they really telling me that a woman can’t be interesting without being damaged in some way? She can’t be interesting because she’s smart? Because she reads? Because she invented something? Because she made a scientific discovery? Because she’s really good at fixing cars? Because she’s spent twenty years studying ballet and is now considered the world’s greatest dancer? Is a woman really only interesting because of her sacrifices, because she’s overcome some sort of diversity?
I say all this because it’s true: but also because I’m a little annoyed with myself. The story I’m currently crafting, which I really like, involves my protagonist’s (somewhat) dark past. She never talks about it, and I don’t really want it to come up at all, really. But I want it implied that she left America, in part, because she was leaving something [someone (a man)]. But she also leaves America (and this man) for herself. I want that to be abundantly clear. But she was also leaving someone and that is actually important.
The real trouble I’m having is plot. I don’t know what causes the rising action or the climax. I’ve had a number of ideas that bring her past into the story, but I don’t like that idea. I don’t want to dredge it up because I don’t want her to only be interesting because of something she’s done before the story starts.
I think I really need to flesh out the rest of the characters. Maybe something will develop there.
I also don’t want it to be a romance, or about the “friendzone” even though it sort of is.
I’ll keep working.
I’m trying to write something creative everyday for the rest of the year using writing prompts and I wrote a piece today from the perspective of a high school freshman in 1999 and I included a really catty detail about the reportedly slutty new girlfriend of a cute boy who dissed my protagonist. I feel weird about keeping it in, but it’s also based on real life events. I am now conflicted about that detail.
On the one hand, it’s how a fourteen year old girl would write about current events. On the other hand it’s super catty and I don’t like that. But on the other hand, fourteen year old girls, including myself in 1999, are really catty. But on the other hand, I’m not fourteen anymore and I don’t want to encourage anyone to be casually catty like that.
I’m not sure what to do.
In the past two months I have written two short stories about a single woman looking for love. One, specifically; the other, well, she sort of finds love by accident. (Well, she meets a couple of dudes, we don’t know that she loves either of them.) Neither of these stories would accomplish the wretchedly simple job of passing the Bechdel Test, a test I find important, but not as important as representing “real” women, whatever that means (see my post about Thor v The Avengers). But neither story is about female relationships (although one could analyze the female relationships in the first story). I tend to write about what I’m currently going through and my mind was heavily on my own hetero-romantic relationships while I was writing them. Because those are in a constant state of flux. I didn’t write about my female relationships because my female relationships are solid.
Today is National Friendship Day, or some such nonsense, and it’s got me thinking about my most significant friendships. Weirdly, or not so weirdly, the older I get the more important my female friendships are to me. I still love my boys and my life would be sad without them, but it’s my girls, if ‘importance’ were a scale, who are the most important. There are specific women from various points in my life who have greatly impacted me and continue to be my friends despite my wildly narcissistic and transient lifestyle. And, the beauty of these women is that they are all different.
My oldest friend is someone who has always been supportive of me. We met in the third grade in violin class and I have valued her opinion and her esteem and her friendship very highly ever since. We had a small period of separation in college, but managed to reconnect afterwards and are still very close. A very confident woman, she is also confidence-inspiring. I never feel more encouraged, more empowered, than after I speak with her. She took me clothes shopping for a “professional” outfit when I was temping, she sends me information on writing retreats and contests, she buys me dinner a couple times a year, and a birthday present even when I want to ignore my own birthday. Always so career driven, she has served as an inspiration in my own professional life, making me believe I can forge ahead with the notion that I am a writer and might actually get paid one day to write. I was happy to be a part of her wedding party when she asked. She and her husband are one of the coolest couples I’ve ever met and have never, even inadvertently, made me feel badly about being single. Their daughter is five months old and I know they are going to be excellent parents because they’ve been practicing on me for years now. Every time I visit with them they feed me, give me career advice, and counsel me on my most recent romantic disaster. When their kid is a teenager they’d be wise to remember how they’ve advised me over the years.
In high school I met my Best Friend (technically, all these women are my “best friend”, after all, like Mindy Lahiri says “best friend isn’t a person, it’s a tier”, but this one is my Best Friend). My Best Friend is a funny woman. She’s very analytical, enjoys making lists, and loves setting “life goals” — she was the only teenager I knew with a five-year-plan. We met in a church youth group when we were sixteen and have been friends from the moment she introduced herself to me. I don’t really know what drew us together initially, but a desire for a certain sort of connection kept us together. Best Friend is a friend with whom I can discuss Important Topics. From the time we were juniors in high school, she has been the friend with whom I discuss books, articles, philosophy, current events, the political impact of music, education, careers, travel, and religious matters. We rarely talk about boys, men, love, or sex. It was never a subject either of us brought up in high school and we rarely bring it up now. Only occasionally have those subjects arisen, and mostly when she’d first met her now-husband and wasn’t sure how she felt about him. Our friendship not only passes, but defines the Bechdel Test. Which is odd for a Best Friend relationship, one might think, in stories it’s always the best friend who the protagonist goes to for sex or love advice. It’s an entire category of movie character, usually played by Judy Greer or Jeremy Piven. But our friendship has never been of that sort. In high school it was sort of a relief, because there were plenty of other girls who were happy to talk about those topics ad nauseam and nothing else.
College. So many significant things happened to me in college. One, I learned that I am smart. Highly intelligent, even. Not like Mensa intelligent, not like best-friend-from-college smart, but of above average intelligence. I also learned how to drink alcohol, kiss boys, and to travel independently. Sophomore year I met previously mentioned best-friend-from-college at our tiny college, in our even tinier English department. Originally an equine major, she moved to the dark side after taking a seminar on Tolkien freshman year. She and I wound up in almost all the same classes Sophomore year, including a Theater History class where, I feel, we really bonded. Self-centered moron I am, I didn’t realize how close our friendship was until after the opening performance of Fahrenheit 451 when she ran up to me, gave me a huge hug, and told me how well I’d done. Starting then our friendship deepened significantly. We were travel buddies during our semester abroad, she was there the first time I got really drunk, the first time I got really hung up on a dude, the first time I went home with a guy. And I was there for her when she underwent similar foolishness. We saw each other be incredibly silly about men, and make unbelievably wise decisions about our education and work. We are each other’s favorite theater-going friend and she is still one of the first people I will talk to about dating woes. All the things that brought us together in college — literature, theater, writing — are still our favorite topics. She is lovely, generous, and supportive. I see her the least of the four women I’m writing about today and, therefore, I miss her the most. But I am always incredibly proud of her.
The friend I’ve seen the most lately is technically my boss. We work for a seasonal outdoor education program where staff live all together on site, and recently I’ve shared a house with my direct supervisor. We started working together in the spring of 2014, before that we knew each other a little, mostly by sight. That first spring we worked together, however, our knowledge of one another turned from knowing a little about each other, to knowing everything about one another. Staff relations that season were a little tense and few came to our house (even though that’s where the food is). The Boss and I found ourselves, many nights and weekends, the only two hanging out. A fun, friendly, chatty woman she and I quickly opened up to each other about a whole many things. I used to lament that I didn’t have any Sex and the City friends, no group of women with which to discuss life, dating, and sex over brunch. Suddenly, amongst other things, I had this: a woman I regard highly to whom I could unburden myself when feeling emotional, or frustrated about anything (not just men or sex). She is a friend who would drink whisky with me when I broke up with someone and get excited with me when I met someone new. The twelve months I was 29 turned out to be a particularly trying twelve months. I was getting down about all the bummed out things that happened, sure nothing good happened that year. But then I remembered the new friendship I’d developed with my housemate and colleague. If there has ever been a bright spot, it has been her. I am certain I would not have struggled through certain things as well as I did if it weren’t for her friendship. I am happy she is there when I need her and I am more than happy to be there when she needs me.
The Girl Scout Law commands that one tries her best to “be a sister to every Girl Scout”. Growing up with three older sisters, Girl Scout sisters, and, once I started school, a number of girl friends, I’ve always felt that line applies to all girls, all women, I chance to meet. Sometimes those relationships don’t last, but others remain strong even when far apart. That isn’t to say the latter is “better”, or “more real” than the former. As Cher Horowitz says “all my friends [are] really good in different ways.” I love all my friends for those things that make them good. These four women, in particular, are friends whom I am exceptionally lucky to have because my life would be significantly different without them.
- Rainy days, when I don’t have to go anywhere
- Coffee, always
- Taylor Swift’s latest album
- Paintings by Vincent Van Gogh
- Comic book movies, esp Marvel
- Pirates, Ninjas, Witches, Robots
- 19th Century European Literature, primarily British
- Colorful flowers
- Baking sweets for others
- Mysteries of most descriptions: books, movies, TV shows
- Ocean beaches
- Being silly
- Reading really captivating books
- Loving; Being in love
- Vodka, Honey Whiskey, Red Wine
- Arts and Crafts
- Bringing joy to other people
- Jane Austen
It has come to my attention that Dylann Roof, that little prick who shot up a church in Charleston, is using me as his justification for his crimes. He’s using me, my sisters, and our maidenheads like some antebellum, Jim Crow era rationalization to burn Rosewood to the ground. This is some Emperor Palpatine-level bullshit. I do not need some hyped up jerkface to protect me from squat.
I did not grow up with many black kids. There were a few handfulls of black families in my town, but for the most part our diversity was comprised of Mexicans, Puerto Ricans, Brazilians, Haitians, and Dominicans. Lots of Caribbean influence, lots of Central American. Some Black. Since leaving high school, I’ve met a wider field of people: I’ve met British, I’ve met Greeks, I’ve met Swedes, I’ve met Chinese. I’ve met Muslims, I’ve met Jews, I’ve met Rastas. I’ve met criminals, and I’ve met upstanding citizens. I’ve met farm-boys, and inner-city ballers. I’ve met friendly New Zealanders, and douchey Australians. I’ve met black girls who can’t stop touching my hair, and Ghanaian pastors who invite me to visit their churches. I’ve met vegan lesbians, and queer Persians, and trans men. I’m only thirty and I’ve had thousands of students and dozens of roommates from a great many walks of life. I have had many friends, people who will be my friends for life, and those who were well-needed friends for the time being. No friendship is superior or inferior to any other. I love all of my friends. My friends get to know me and understand who I am. They have my back if I ever need them to, and I theirs.
Recently, I went on a pseudo-blind date with a man I met on the Internet. My friend D—- encouraged me to go out with him and not to worry because he’d be there watching if I needed him. I laughed and told him I wouldn’t need him (and I didn’t) but his offering to be there just in case was appreciated. I can hold my own with a man. I know how to handle myself. There was a time when I didn’t. There was a time, when I was younger, when I didn’t know how to advocate for myself with men. I was inexperienced and unused to people trying to take advantage of me, and I found myself in an uncomfortable situation. He didn’t ask me if he could touch me. He didn’t ask me if he could do things to me. I was wise enough to push him away, and he was kind enough to stop, but the damage was done. I felt dirty and violated. By a white, mid-western boy.
In my experience, which isn’t singular or unique, I’ve been fucked over by white men. Almost exclusively. Black men, in my experience, have always had my back. I don’t feel as though I need any protection from Black Men. I don’t feel that I need any protection from White Men, for that matter. Same goes for Asian Men and American Indians and Caribbean Men. My vagina isn’t a thing I need a man to worry about. Women (all women) do not need a man to stand up and, on behalf of us all, make any decisions about our well-being. We most especially don’t need a man to murder anyone on our behalf. I will not take on that responsibility.
Far too often Women have been the justification for horrible acts. Not any specific woman, but Women, in general. As if we’re all in constant danger and we need the Menfolk to eliminate that danger so we can feel safe. Quite frankly, I feel less safe with a man who thinks that is a reasonable argument. It is as twisted as the man who shot women on his college campus because other women wouldn’t have sex with him. Women are not some abstract concept that can be invoked as a rallying cry. We’re not “Democracy”, or “Freedom”, or “God”, or other terrible reasons to justify killing other people: we are people. We are individuals. We each have a unique point of view and our own opinions. If Dylann Roof had asked a woman if she felt unsafe from the “threat of Black Men” he would have known better than to use Women as one of his reasons for shooting innocent people. Rather than invoking the concept of Women (alongside the notion that Black People have “taken over” the country), he should have just stood behind his unreasonable hatred. It’s no better a reason, but it’s honest.
I refuse to be someone’s rallying cry. I refuse to be someone’s concept. I am a white woman, I am not a White Woman. You may not capitalize those words and do horrendous things because of me. I love all of my friends. I love all people. I do not accept the burden of Dylann Roof’s crimes. His unchecked hate led him to shoot people, not my sisters, my mother, my nieces, or my friends, and certainly not me. Do not use me as your excuse to kill black people.
My prayers are with the Charleston community today. My love for them abounds. I pray to God to give them strength and compassion. I also pray that people everywhere stop seeing women as a concept, stop using us for their own purposes, and start seeing women as people. So many times I’ve read the questions: why do we focus on race? And, Why do we need feminism? Because, my dear, there are those out there who still don’t see us.
A little ways to the left of the dock above is a deep channel dug years ago for irrigation purposes. Whoever was digging it gave up and now it’s just a deep, muddy ditch. This wouldn’t be a big deal if it weren’t for the fact that the program I work for regularly brings students into that marsh. Which isn’t actually a big deal: typically, our students listen to us when we tell them not to go into the mud because they’ll sink in up to their waists. Typically they hear these instructions and heed our advice. Typically.
Last week, the final week of our program for the school year, we had a school from the Boston inner city area. With urban schools, my main objective is to get the kids out into nature, to try to get them to connect with something, anything, in the outdoors. Now Boston isn’t New York in terms of nature, but my goal remains the same. This is mud, those are trees, bug spray goes on you not the insects.
Regardless of where a school is from my rules are simple: we stay together, we have fun and learn something, don’t get hurt. This last school had a little trouble with the rules. None of the students got hurt, but half were having trouble with the “have fun and learn something” rule (“it’s so cold!”, “there are so many bugs!”, “I’m gonna get wet!”), while the other half was disregarding the “stay together” rule.
Tuesday, we’re in the marsh, about four girls have informed me they have to pee (these muffins are not prepared to go in the trees), I am attempting to get us as close to an actual bathroom as possible. This is proving difficult as the kids not into the exploration are dragging their feet, and the kids who are into finding animals in the marsh keep finding really cool crabs and asking questions about the various species, and I’m really pumped to stop and examine and answer their questions. However, slowly, but surely, we are getting closer and closer to the dock above (which is a short walk to the dining hall and, therefore, toilets) but we are still on the far side of the channel.
And I don’t realize that I’m not going to be able to get up ahead of them to warn them about the mud.
There I am, standing in the marsh, looking around to make sure all students are moving with the group, while staying away from the osprey nest on the point, when I turn back around to see, up ahead, K—-, a small, fifth grade boy in a clear plastic poncho, jump off the marsh, into the channel, and run/crawl up the far bank back onto the marsh. I yell to them to stay where they are as the rest of the students and I make our way to the channel. Miraculously all the students come gather around. Mostly due to other kids yelling “K—- LOST HIS SHOE! K—- LOST HIS SHOE! MISS BECKA, K—- LOST HIS SHOE!”
K—- had, indeed, lost one of his shoes.
Very calmly, to the gathered students, I tell them that I am now going to tell them the story of the girl who jumped in the channel. She didn’t listen to me, got ahead of me, much like K—- did, jumped in the channel and sank up to her waist in the mud. She was lucky, however, I told my students. Unlike another student who lost his boot in the mud. When his teacher reached in to get it out, she pulled out a boot, sure; but not that kid’s boot. A different boot. K—-‘s shoe is gone. K—-‘s shoe is no more. There is no shoe. It’s gone, baby; gone.
And I couldn’t be mad at him. Couldn’t yell at him. I couldn’t give him a warning or a strike for running ahead. The boy lost his shoe in the mud. Forever. I wasn’t about to jump in there and try to retrieve it, especially after the kid told me he had another pair in the cabin. I did tell his teacher when we got back, however. He agreed with me: Natural Consequences. Now the kid knows if he jumps in the mud again: he might lose his shoes.
This child is destined to lose shoes, though; I’m convinced. The next day, that same student almost lost his sandal to the ocean. Another kid fished it out with a crabbing net.
I am turning this into a two-woman play. Watch out, World! Menstruation is coming to a stage near you!
Many years in the future, probably.
Brain Plushie available at IHeartGuts.com
The Very Real Conversation That Occurs Between Brain and Uterus Every Month
Most days the two organs don’t speak to one another, though they are actually very close friends. One is too busy managing the rest of the body that it just doesn’t have time to chat. The other is often too busy socializing with the various other bits that want the same things in life that she wants. She and these others agree Brain sometimes needs reminders of what’s what and, as she is the loudest of them, they have elected Uterus their spokesorgan.
Although, sometimes, I suspect Uterus is merely Vagina’s puppet.
Five days before menstruation
Heeeeeeyyy!!!! Brain! Guess what’s coming!
I’m in the middle of something important, Uterus. I’m going to have to get back to you.
Four days before menstruation
Heeeeeeeyyy!!! Brain! Guess what’s coming!
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