Here is something about myself that even I don’t understand: Put me in front of a group of six to one hundred and six middle school aged kids and I am as cool as can be. I know who I am and what I am doing. I cannot be shaken. But, on my own for a few months and I fall apart. Out with peers, and I don’t know how to behave. Social situations make me incredibly nervous. But I can lecture one hundred kids about the Human Impact on the Environment for anywhere from five minutes to forty five minutes. But fifteen minutes at a bar with people and I’m stumped. Once had a twenty minute conversation with a group of kids about proper grammar; stumbled, floundered, and sank with a group of adults watching the Grammy’s.
Morrissey once said his worst habit was avoiding people, even people he liked. I can relate.
Social situations are rife with expectation, real and imagined, and the fact that I expect myself to be a certain way when out with people, even people I like, makes me nervous. It happens no matter how prepared I am. And it’s impossible to stop the panic when a thing is sprung on me.
I hate that I feel so crazy. And it’s always worse when I’ve been on my own for a while (ie, unemployed). I don’t exactly know what to do about it. So I avoid people. And I feel like a shit for avoiding people. And people lose interest in the person who avoids people. Which leaves that person on their own even more. Which isn’t the other people’s fault, it’s not their job to make sure the introvert/shy/socially anxious person gets enough facetime with other people.
Sometimes I think it is appropriate that I was born on one of the coldest nights of the year.