Recently one of my very best friends got himself a new girlfriend. (I am in no way bitter or angry or upset that he has a new lady in his life, believe me.) But finding that out rubbed me the wrong way. Then, a few days later someone posted pictures of another pal and his girlfriend on the FB and that irked me. (I am not at all upset or irritated by him being in a relationship either.) There was a college-aged couple on the bus the other day and their canoodling was equally off-putting. (I don’t even know them!)
Lately, I’ve just been a right miserable bitch. Everything from celebrating New Years, making New Years Resolution, forcing reflective thoughts, new beginnings, being “profound’, to shiny happy couples have put my teeth on edge. Now, this isn’t because I begrudge anyone their season of hope, but more likely because I feel as though I am not living my own life at the moment.
Lately I have been living with one of my sisters and her family. She just last week gave birth to their second child and I have been helping out around the house. I’m happy to do it, but it also means putting my own life on hold for a spell. I am unemployed, living in someone else’s house, and doing things to make their lives easier. There is almost zero personal meaning in my life and I’ve been taking it out on other people.
(Here I could get whiny; but I’ll try to spare you readers.)
I am very happy for my friends newly in relationships; I am happy for my friends recently engaged; I am overjoyed at the birth of my nephew; I am glad people have new jobs. I am. But I am also frustrated and irritated with my own financial situation and unemployment. I am started to do my off-season freak out where I can’t afford to pay my bills and I haven’t found work yet.
Piling on top of that my recent decision to stop working at my seasonal job (unless I can’t find anything) and recent trouble finding myself replacement employment (which is due to the fact that I am, by nature, lazy). So really my personal insecurities are racking up and creating all sorts of internal turmoil that I find I am incapable of expressing to others. (I literally had to walk out of a conversation over diner tonight about income, jobs, social security, and health insurance — I was too afraid I was going to burst into tears at the table if I sat there and listened to any more.) I don’t mean to be horrible to other people and I think I am doing an excellent job of not actually saying anything to anyone else, but I am having difficulties keeping my calm that I’m so famous for possessing.
Hopefully I find some sort of shitty employment to give me something to focus on other than my lack of life direction and inability to send anything out to publishers.
Oh, yeah, and my fucking broken computer that houses all of my writing.