Not another application…

Applying for jobs and looking up freelance gigs gives me anxiety.  It’s one of those things where I want to take the plunge but the fear of not being good enough holds me back.  I start thinking about how little writing I actually do, and how little traffic my blogs generate and I can’t think stop thinking that maybe I’m not as good a writer (or as versatile a writer) as I like to think I am.

"What do you mean I have to list my employment history again..."

“Why don’t you love me?  Why don’t you read my stuff?”

Like most people, I’m very good at talking about myself (goddamn youngest child syndrome).  I can write blog entries about my hopes and dreams and (especially) my fears.  But I can’t write two inches about why One Direction is super rad, or 1,000 words on why Diesel Cafe in Davis Square is the bomb diggity.  (Actually I probably could do the last one.)  There are certain types of writing that just aren’t in my wheelhouse.  You want a self-deprecating story about the time I had to get stitches because I was pretending to be Squirrel Nutkin, or a book review/literary analysis of a best seller, or a company update told in the voice of the CEO’s seven year old daughter, then I’m your writer!  I can do these things!  I excel at the absurd.  I enjoy throwing corny jokes into really boring material just to make it a little more interesting for me and the reader.  I like to point out my personal weirdness and shake my head at myself.  I’m a fairly ok storyteller, but I can’t bring myself to face my damn fears and share what I’m good at with the world.  I keep looking at all sorts of other writing gigs that I don’t feel qualified for (Technical Writer, Copywriter, Abstract Writer) and give myself massive anxiety.

“Aaaaarrrrggggg….”

Then I start thinking at other, sort of related, jobs: Teaching English as a Second Language, tutoring, going back to school to become a librarian/middle school teacher/theater director, going to Korea to teach English to adorable Korean children, becoming a year-round camp administrator.  None of these actually appeal to me (except maybe going to Korea and getting back into theater) but I start looking at them anyway.

Lately it’s been hotel work.  I enjoyed my winter as a Guest Services Desk Clerk at the ski resort in Vermont.  The actual work was sort of fun.  Being isolated on the side of a mountain in Small Town America, not quite as fun.  I’m the sort of person that needs things to do within reasonable walking distance, otherwise I spend a lot of time on the Internets and dreaming my life away.  But if I could get similar work in a city that I actually know and enjoy then that would kill some of the monotony and give me something to write about.  That winter in Vermont I amused my coworkers with my FB status updates concerning irritable and troublesome guests.  (My personal favorite: “AH 23 just ate my life”.)  But I don’t really want to have a career in hospitality.

Then again, as my sister said, sometimes you just need the paycheck.

Let me go call that HR lady about data entry.

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2 thoughts on “Not another application…

  1. Getting a famous blog is kinda just marketing these days anyway. It’s one half writing the damn post and one half pumping it into aggregators, on fbook, twitter, and all that other crap. Pretty demoralizing. Then again, there are a lot more “famous” writers than at any other point in history. So goes the modern life.

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