Applying for jobs and looking up freelance gigs gives me anxiety. It’s one of those things where I want to take the plunge but the fear of not being good enough holds me back. I start thinking about how little writing I actually do, and how little traffic my blogs generate and I can’t think stop thinking that maybe I’m not as good a writer (or as versatile a writer) as I like to think I am.
Like most people, I’m very good at talking about myself (goddamn youngest child syndrome). I can write blog entries about my hopes and dreams and (especially) my fears. But I can’t write two inches about why One Direction is super rad, or 1,000 words on why Diesel Cafe in Davis Square is the bomb diggity. (Actually I probably could do the last one.) There are certain types of writing that just aren’t in my wheelhouse. You want a self-deprecating story about the time I had to get stitches because I was pretending to be Squirrel Nutkin, or a book review/literary analysis of a best seller, or a company update told in the voice of the CEO’s seven year old daughter, then I’m your writer! I can do these things! I excel at the absurd. I enjoy throwing corny jokes into really boring material just to make it a little more interesting for me and the reader. I like to point out my personal weirdness and shake my head at myself. I’m a fairly ok storyteller, but I can’t bring myself to face my damn fears and share what I’m good at with the world. I keep looking at all sorts of other writing gigs that I don’t feel qualified for (Technical Writer, Copywriter, Abstract Writer) and give myself massive anxiety.
Then I start thinking at other, sort of related, jobs: Teaching English as a Second Language, tutoring, going back to school to become a librarian/middle school teacher/theater director, going to Korea to teach English to adorable Korean children, becoming a year-round camp administrator. None of these actually appeal to me (except maybe going to Korea and getting back into theater) but I start looking at them anyway.
Lately it’s been hotel work. I enjoyed my winter as a Guest Services Desk Clerk at the ski resort in Vermont. The actual work was sort of fun. Being isolated on the side of a mountain in Small Town America, not quite as fun. I’m the sort of person that needs things to do within reasonable walking distance, otherwise I spend a lot of time on the Internets and dreaming my life away. But if I could get similar work in a city that I actually know and enjoy then that would kill some of the monotony and give me something to write about. That winter in Vermont I amused my coworkers with my FB status updates concerning irritable and troublesome guests. (My personal favorite: “AH 23 just ate my life”.) But I don’t really want to have a career in hospitality.
Then again, as my sister said, sometimes you just need the paycheck.
Let me go call that HR lady about data entry.