Weddings.

Other people’s weddings always make men freak out?

Is this true?  In my experience it is.  I’ve had two relationships end a week before one of my friend’s weddings (no shit) that I’ve invited the boyfriend to go with me to and had them freak the fuck out when I asked.  This time around I expected the negative response for a number of reasons and got the negative response for those exact reasons.  It was done over email so if he freaked I didn’t get to see it (I don’t think he freaked out).  But in my situations I’ve never understood the freak out.

I am in no position to get married.  I am waaaaay not ready.  The idea of living with a boy?  Fuck no.  (I recently watched the episode of “Gilmore Girls” when Lorelai is weirded out that Max is going to be living with them — because she’s never lived with a boy and it’s weird.)  But dudes always seem to get really nervous when they find out their girlfriend’s friends are getting married.

And some, with good reason.  Their girlfriends might be the type to then spring an ultimatum on him.  I am NOT that type.  Not even a little bit.  I’m too scared to tell someone I like him, let alone that I think I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

This being said: Other peoples weddings do get you thinking about your own relationships (the same way a funeral gets you thinking about your own mortality).  My oldest friend, who told me when we were sixteen that she was never going to get married, is getting married in two weeks (tonight is her bachelorette party), and it’s my second friend who in high school said No to Marriage and is getting hitched before thirty.  And it does make me wonder about my own life.  Do I want to get married someday?  Do I want to make a life for myself somewhere?  Do I want to be a part of a community?  Do I want kids?

These questions get raised and you start thinking about them and you start thinking about the people in your life.  You start to question: Can I see myself married to this person?  What would that be like?  How would we be together?  Would we make good partners?  Would we make good parents?  Would we get a dog?  Would we live in an urban or rural area?  Would he give into my every whim?  Would he tell me when I’m being ridiculous (sometimes I need this)?  Is it something I want?

I’ve been “dating” the Fella since September, so not exactly fair to be thinking about these things at this point in our relationship, but unfortunately A+R’s upcoming nuptials are raising these stoopid fucking questions and he’s the guy I’m obsessed with at the moment (sorry, EAL).  Truth: I don’t know.  I don’t know that I ever want to get married.  I don’t know if I want kids someday.  I don’t know if I ever want to “settle down” and become a part of a community.  I keep thinking about that line from Bessie Smith “I ain’t done runnin’ around.”  I’m not done being a weird transient free spirit.  I still want to see the world.  I still want to go to the farthest points and I want to meet people everywhere.

And I’ve always said I’d love to find someone just like me.  Someone who wants to do the same thing: Travel all over and experience as much of the world as we can.

And the fucked up crazy thing is: the Tall Moustachioed Man is kinda like this.

Does this mean I want to marry him?  Way too early to talk about that.

 

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