New Year’s Resolutions, a list… for everyone else


©      Go for more walks.  Walking is a form of exercise, it will keep you fit and release endorphins, and those will make you happier than those little pills could ever hope to do.

©      Stop writing inane status updates on Facebook about how you didn’t get a bike for your weekly spin class; or that you got a great deal on a mani/pedi, woot, woot; or that you couldn’t get your usual at Sbucks this morning because they were inexplicably out of caramel syrup, exclamation point!, frowny face >:(

©      Drink more water.  It’ll flush those toxins right out of you.

©      Stop wearing non-prescription, vintage frame glasses – they don’t make you look cool, they make you look like a pretentious ass.

©      Use public transportation whenever possible and cut down on other’s road rage.

©      Try to set more realistic goals for yourself; that woman in the club is out of your league.

©      Don’t wear loud plaid flannel shirts and knit hats… in July.

©      When panhandling (real or fake): don’t call women on the street “gorgeous”, e.g. “Hey there gorgeous, looking good today, do you have any spare change?”

©      Stop using the following expressions/words/phrases:

  • “throw under the bus…”
  • going forward
  • Groupon

©      Try new foods: India is a real country, not something adjacent to Narnia.  Their cuisine won’t kill you.

©      Parents: trust your children, and the grownups in charge of them.  Please don’t hover, speak for them, do things for them, or humiliate them.

©      Be honest.

©      Stop looking down on people because they don’t wear ironic tee shirts, skinny jeans or listen only to underground bands that put out their music on vinyl.

©      Stop complaining about mommy and daddy’s neglect… you have a trust fund.

©      Just because all your friends are Hipsters doesn’t mean you have to drink Pabst.

©      Try to see things as they actually are and don’t be paranoid.  People don’t like you, not because you’re fabulous, but because you’re kind of a bitch.

©      Read more books.  It will improve your vocabulary and your grammar.  That will impress people and make them think you’re not as useless as you look.

©      Stop friending people on Facebook who you wouldn’t be friends with in real life.

©      Watch ‘Downton Abbey’.  It’ll make you look literate even if your not.

©      Bear in mind that I have never once made a New Year’s Resolution for myself so who the fuck am I to foist any on you?

By Rebecca (hey, that’s me!)

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One thought on “New Year’s Resolutions, a list… for everyone else

  1. Under “Stop using the following expressions/words/phrases:” I forgot to add the following: “Totes”, as in “totally”; “Obvs”, as in “obviously”; and “Whateves”, for “whatever”.

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