© Go for more walks. Walking is a form of exercise, it will keep you fit and release endorphins, and those will make you happier than those little pills could ever hope to do.
© Stop writing inane status updates on Facebook about how you didn’t get a bike for your weekly spin class; or that you got a great deal on a mani/pedi, woot, woot; or that you couldn’t get your usual at Sbucks this morning because they were inexplicably out of caramel syrup, exclamation point!, frowny face >:(
© Drink more water. It’ll flush those toxins right out of you.
© Stop wearing non-prescription, vintage frame glasses – they don’t make you look cool, they make you look like a pretentious ass.
© Use public transportation whenever possible and cut down on other’s road rage.
© Try to set more realistic goals for yourself; that woman in the club is out of your league.
© Don’t wear loud plaid flannel shirts and knit hats… in July.
© When panhandling (real or fake): don’t call women on the street “gorgeous”, e.g. “Hey there gorgeous, looking good today, do you have any spare change?”
© Stop using the following expressions/words/phrases:
- “throw under the bus…”
- “going forward”
© Try new foods: India is a real country, not something adjacent to Narnia. Their cuisine won’t kill you.
© Parents: trust your children, and the grownups in charge of them. Please don’t hover, speak for them, do things for them, or humiliate them.
© Be honest.
© Stop looking down on people because they don’t wear ironic tee shirts, skinny jeans or listen only to underground bands that put out their music on vinyl.
© Stop complaining about mommy and daddy’s neglect… you have a trust fund.
© Just because all your friends are Hipsters doesn’t mean you have to drink Pabst.
© Try to see things as they actually are and don’t be paranoid. People don’t like you, not because you’re fabulous, but because you’re kind of a bitch.
© Read more books. It will improve your vocabulary and your grammar. That will impress people and make them think you’re not as useless as you look.
© Stop friending people on Facebook who you wouldn’t be friends with in real life.
© Watch ‘Downton Abbey’. It’ll make you look literate even if your not.
© Bear in mind that I have never once made a New Year’s Resolution for myself so who the fuck am I to foist any on you?
By Rebecca (hey, that’s me!)